Words of a Lazy Dreamer
October 6th, 2015

If my dream is for You, God to love me the way I want You to love me, to show me
love the way I want You to, within the time frame I expect You to serve my conceited
life then isn't there something to be said about giving up on my dream?

That is before my ego inevitably chokes me to death with its incessant doubt-ridden
"When? When? When is it my time? When am I going to amount to something? Am I
ever going to fulfill my potential" and on 'n on 'n on...

But You do show me love God! You show me so so much love. I have witnessed and
lived this several times over. There is no debate in any fiber of my being that You love
me as equally as You do all.

But after Your love has enlarged my heart, after Your love has emboldened my faith and
humbled me, when I should be celebrating Your miracle I am instead unhappy because
You passed on what I asked for and gave me something better. You always give me
something better.

Of course I don't see this, especially when I'm looking for it in the wrong places like in
peoples' eyes and words but in my heart, when I do eventually lower my head in defeat,
lo and behold, it's there.

Sadly though, that still doesn't teach me to un-want what I want.

I want glitter but You give me rare stones that I have to do stuff with to make them
shine. Or not. Maybe they're not the shining kind I don't know but to find out I often
have to think selflessly.

Do I really have to God? Think of others? Even when they don't think of me? That's
like... not me? It could be me. Does it have to be though? Can't we negotiate a bit?

My desperate plea to serve only myself without getting in the way of You serving others
('cause why would You need my help or my talent for excuses) will never convince
You, no matter how much I beg, to make me an exception to Your heavenly rule of
selflessness.

"The world is suffering but You should totes let me have my fun because You got this
right, Lord?!" is not such an awesome motto or prayer I know but at least I'm being
honest. Doesn't that count?

I know it doesn't.

But the fact that I know that it doesn't, doesn't that count?

No?

Is there no way around my laziness?

I'd ask for Your help but I'm too lazy to pray.

And yet, I've longed since I don't know when to be in a position of great influence in this
world, not unlike You my Lord. But unfortunately, I am now discovering that my role
model may actually have been the devil this whole time.

Hear me out, I'm not switching sides.

I just mean that what had me hypnotized this whole time is not the work it takes to help
others but being seen as helping others while I pursue my selfish goals of attaining the
highest social status imaginable.

I'm sure You are aware of my deep and silent prayers; the ones I do not dare utter when
I'm praying for others; the ones I secretly want You to grant sometimes because of, and
sometimes prior to, my prayers for others they all have the indelible appetite of Your
fallen angel.

They all silently scream and yearn to "borrow" Your unlimited power to heal, to avenge.
What for? I want to say 'so I can rid the world of everything that is wrong with it.' But I
think what I really mean is to be seen fixing it and saving everyone! And become King of
Fame. Or so my ill-imagination self pleasures.

If I wasn't clear by the way, I want You to do all the heavy. I want to wave my hand
and allow You to exercise faith of biblical proportions -
Can You imagine the notoriety I
will get?
- Of course, I will give You all the credit but I want to take all the praise.

And I want You to give me this power not because I'm incorruptible or pure of heart.
But because I asked for it.

I know, I know... I hear me too. Not as well as You but... I get who I am, a little bit. I
think.

But if words like 'metaphor' and 'sarcasm' sometimes help to buffer the arrogance of
literal meaning then let the word 'exception' stay out of service in mine so Truth may
burn my hubris free - if that indeed is possible.

So what does this mean? I give up on my lazy dream?

Done.

But then now what?

I sign on to Your dream for me?

In a way I want to say I've always signed on but that'd only be half-true I suppose. I've
always been more of a reluctant passenger on Your mysterious ride because, to be frank,
I am terrified that You might call on me, at any given moment, to carry Your cross and
I'd be forced - by my Mom's voice - to say yes. And I'm sure You know that I want to
say yes as much as You know I don't want You to ask.

Carrying Your cross might make for a great selfie but what if that's all I'd care to make
of it?

The real reason though is probably that I'm utterly afraid of my own light. Like how
when You see any story involving helpless victims and it breaks Your heart? If I were in
my light, like You, I'd be brave enough to let it break me as deep as it can; till it destroys
me, preferably, as totally as them so I can be in communion with their suffering.

But because I flee my light, I flee my life.

So when I hear bad news I just feel sad then quickly take refuge in whatever can make
me less guilty the fastest. Because deep down I feel, in some way, responsible. I know,
at the end of the day, I will always choose to give me more than I'm willing to give
others. Even with something as abstract as my time - in fact especially that. So I watch
more YouTube or Netflix or read or soak in or eat out 'to feel better about myself' but I
think it's to help me cope with my shame while I secretly wish that the fact that I feel
shame could somehow count towards my penance.

If I cannot be You, God, in the Creation of the World, in the consummate acceptance
and absolute understanding of every conceivable knowledge as well as the inconceivably
inconceivable ones; in the total manifestation of enlightenment in all its forms then I think
I should be You in the submission of Your mercy to my trespasses, of Your patience to
my arrogant ignorance, of Your unwavering will to help save me if not down right
rescue me from the frothing madness that is my desire to be loved, accepted, praised,
immortalized... to all eternity.

That's it. I give in to You. Whatever that means.