|August 24th, 2018
I choose to be afraid of You, Lord.
I realize that Good is an act of martyrdom. And karma only goes so far to sponsor faith.
So it only makes sense that my fear of You has to be, without a doubt, as much my
conscientious choice as my responsibility to practice my faith should be. Because I fear I've
so far been afraid of You by default. Which probably explains my contemptuous faith.
For a long time now, I would always be discouraged whenever something like divine
mischief screwed up my "best-laid plans".
Even when I knew my plans weren't that good to begin with, I'd still feel "betrayed". By You.
Because, ultimately, instead of owning my ego, I pitied it. As though forsaken by You. But
not by me. Of course, that was before I knew how epic an ego I could have.
Up until three days ago, whenever things got harder seemingly out of nowhere for no
apparent reason than to "ruin my day", I'd just retreat to my vices to "nurse" my ego while in
the back of my adulterated Christian psyche, I'd convince myself out of blaming You.
When in reality, I think, my Lord- I feel, my Lord, You are indeed warmly so to blame! And
for which You must simultaneously & absolutely be praised to most wondrous degree! Your
infinitely mysterious ways truly know no bounds at all.
For I now strongly suspect, my Lord, Your divine mischief, is not just in planting the 'pebble
in my shoe' to get me to... let's say watch my callous steps. But rather, also, in pushing me
to push myself to run at You with all the HEART I have yet to imagine I can give so I may
live fully beyond what I could have never in this lifetime thought imaginable.